Life after firsts...!

There are in life a few moments that explode with the scent of memory as you jostle them in the attic where such things line the dusty aisles:

The first time you fumble your way into love. Your first day in the kitchen making tea. The first intense glimpse of order and purpose in the haphazard happenings of a string of days. The first time you notice the galaxy filled sky far from the haze of nightlights while lying on your terrace.

This is the first instant of sun over mountains after the endless minutes of predawn chill. This is the thrill of firsts.

Things never stay the same. The light shifts and whitens. At first it's just as exciting, as it scrolls through all the colors of evaporated gold. Still holy - still magic, yet very different from those firsts.

I've tried to live these moments in repeat, but it never works. You can climb the same mountain, but it doesn't look the same. The light changes. Hides.

Honestly - it's often a letdown to watch the light work its way back to ordinary. It takes a lot more work to see the glory of the mountain when the light pulls back out of your reach.

This is my dream: we don't have to live for firsts. I dream that somewhere again I can find a sunrise that goes beyond anything we've heard whispers of in the annals of beauty.

I've Been Tagged As Well......

Shanky's idea of making me update my blog. atleast he gave me a topic.. thanks dude.. The guy just tagged me with these questions and i'm supposed to answer it over truthfully... well seems fun..!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Oh god.. i seriously need to shave!

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
Wait lemme check.. well have 180 + a few coins.. :) i'm rich.. yey!

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
MORE
4. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
The one i've set for almost an year now. the effervescent theme song of d generation x. SUCK IT! :P

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Henna

6. What are you wearing right now?
A short shirt and 3\4 th..

7. Do you label yourself?
Like Rockstar..?... HBK? :P

9. Bright or Dark Room?
Doesnt matter really.. depends on wat i wanna do :D

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
The dude is one of ma best friends and my partner in crimes at college. period.

11. What does your watch look like?
Well it was more elegant before i got the strap changed. still the blue dial with glistening frame and the timex tag contents me. afterall its a limited edition brett lee collection item :)

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Usualy i would be awake but yesterday, was sleeping.. lol!

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
"If a lover is moon, then friends are like stars. Have you noticed that the sky can look beautiful without the moon but not without the stars"
Sender: Lakshmi
Sent: 14:46:30
25-10-2009

14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
"oh pinneeeee..."

15. Who told you he/she loved you last? (Please exclude spouse, family, children)
cant even remember.. wait.... i don't think anyone's been considerate enough :(..

16. Last furry thing you touched?
A rabbit dool which sarchi gifted me! sits pretty on my table...

17. Favorite age you have been so far?
Now! :)

18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Just screamed at ma bro for pulling down my CD box :X

19. The last song you listened to?
Listening to Escape by enrique right now. before that 'pehli baar' from kaminey! :)

20. Where did you live in 1987?
In ma sweet mom's safe womb for a li'l part of 87 :)

21. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not a chance. But i do admire a lot and also hate a few.

22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Talk to the hand. :D

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times
Mera smile, ring and clothes :D..

24. What’s your favorite town/city?
Amsterdam and Trivandrum. :)

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh...... 2 years back i guess!

26. Can you change the oil on a car?
Never tried. But i guess i can if i want. afterall i'm a mexx..

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Film actress shobana. :)).. while i was some 5-6 yrs old.. was so adamant in marrying her wen i grow up.. turns out she too ages wit tym. hehe

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
The 4th toe in ma left foot is twitching.mmmm.. just noticed!

29. What is your current desktop picture?
Wallpaper of newmoon picturing the gorgeous kristen stewart. ;)

30. Have you been burnt by love?
errr....sorry.. not literally! :D... shanky mone... read it on.. hehe..

Now am i supposed to tag another blogger?... mmmmm.. samurai suraj and dracuzz can try this :) rule says i need to tag 7 ppl... and post their blog links.. but you know wat.. ooooo.. i'm LAZY!!

Simple Joys!

Beware of the blogs i post while sitting alone at home with no job whatsoever, for lo, they often take on the melancholy and end up resembling nothing more than bad poetry.


Today I just played that mandy moore song in 'A Walk to Remember' and I danced; and it was good, but it made me ache for things I don’t have right now. Things that aren’t in my control, things that I can only attempt to gain by waiting and remaining open to new people. Two things that are not exactly easy for me. Sometimes I don’t understand the world today; the body language of flirting, the rules and the complex dance of showing interest without revealing yourself too soon. Maybe we should go back to the days of Little Women, like in the old movies, where the moral boys and girls always triumphed in the end. Where waiting was rewarded, flirting looked down upon and simple joys were encouraged.

Yet even that is not enough, because I like the simple joys of being able to ride a bike, having the right to vote and my increased chances of not dying in childbirth.Is there a way to connect all these things in simple lasting ways without reverting to old fashioned romanticism?

Scars ~~ How many of ya like 'em?? :)

Recently while flipping through some random magazine [yeah let it be RANDOM], I saw an in-depth article on how to get rid of or heal wounds, without those pesky scars. Now I understand that in some cases scars can be frustrating, especially if they are large enough or in visible enough locations that they cause embarrassment. But for me, I love my scars. First, scar tissue is actually stronger than normal tissue [ courtesy- my feeling sense :-D ], which means one could potentially become a superhero if one could find a way to (in a none gross manner) replace ones skin with scar tissue. Second, scars are like built in memories, they instant call to mind the places and circumstances of their creation. So here in no particular order are my own favorite scars:

Top of Knee – Who doesn’t have at least one memorable scar on their knee from childhood shenanigans? The reason I like this particular one is that I have such a vivid memory of acquiring it. I don’t remember how old I was, probably in that 8-10 range. But we were at a family summer vacation trip in Munnar at my uncle’s and I was cycling [probably still with my training wheels on) around a gravel curve and totally wiped out. This is probably memorable in that I was by myself when it happened, so I had to do the inspection of wound area all by myself and contain my tears until I reached my parents. Also this scar is kinda cool because I managed to actually gouge a small hole in my skin via gravel, which makes for a very cool raised scar.

Side of Right foot - This scar isn’t highly visible, it is more of a difference in skin tone, but once again the method of acquiring it is the best part. I actually picked the injury up from outta nowhere on a perfectly fyn examination day!!! Me and ma friends were hanging out at the alleyway of our school breathlessly reading through what we all jus crammed into our tiny tot heads the previous night and I came up wit a seemingly safe way of pulling the tension strings down. A small innocent plastic cup was my choice of a football and I chose to make the first kick too… and yeah I guess I made a hard one too... the only problem was that the cup was out there covering a projecting piece of steel bar [or whatever the hell it was, I had much much much more things to worry about].. the pain just kept increasing and needless to say my shiny little shoes got pierced too and the blood kept pumping out[ never thought so much blood flowed through ma stupid FOOT!!! Anyways, the pain got killed by a much more serious pain- embarrassment!! It healed up quickly though, and the only reason I can think of why the scar came up id that its after all a stupid FOOT!! The tissues won’t get patched up all too wonderful ya know.. Hmmmm…. Even more interestingly, the child-me picked up this one during ma 11^th grade…

Forehead, a li’l right from the centre – Apparently Mr. Harry Potter ain’t the only one having that identity. Your’s truly do posses one, however hard to find it maybe these days. The thing is, I’m a lazy fellow and this post is going on too much for my liking… So, longstory short = fell flat out on the footpath for no particular reason[ I still wonder how] and hit straight on a small stone that was perfectly placed over there to get lodged into ma forehead. Seriously, I never felt anything, got up, brushed ma uniform and continued walking… But the no-job-people who can be found everywhere dint allow me!! [Never thought there were so many kind souls out there] They wanted to take me to a hosp!! GULP!! Oh no no…somehow I convinced them I don’t want that and so they laid me down in an auto and literally packed me home.. grrrr!! The image of ma face covered in blood made my day... Finally I got myself a wwe look!! More like Austin had in his first blood match against Kane… LOL!! My plain refusal to put stitches on gave me a perfectly shaped scar- that of a water drop.. cool!!

So how about the rest of you, any favorite scars?

The Birds of Dusk

Hola amigos...The following post is a very vague attempt by yours' truly to get back from the hopeless track of the previous posts as a lot of my friends had been complaining about its contents being too depressing!! So i jus thought of writing a poem of sorts (which turned out to be crap btw) that is supposed to depict a dusk and hopefully, the dawning in the form of newer posts that will be much more non-depressing!! hehe....

The birds of dusk fill the sky with sound
carried on the air stirred by their joyous flight
the woods resonate with the serenading of tiny tree frogs
Greeting and meeting one another
in their nightly boisterous celebration of life

Another day is torn from the calendar of my life’s pages
its stories scrawled in indelible ink
tucked in between the books that line the library of my mind

Memories fresh become photographs
moments caught for a breath
of laughter and giggles
Framed along the walls of yesterday’s rooms
That are scattered within my soul’s heart-
my quiet place I can reflect
smiling through the images once again
long after time has spent the days
and the glory of the sun has burnt to a glow
fading the smiles, but never the love
that defies the laws of nature and reason.

TRAPPED!!!!

Deprived of almost all kinds of happiness the world could offer, I grew carrying heavy loads upon my shoulder not knowing when will I rest and be freed. [Twenty] years were over and yet I still find myself hanging on the firmament with nowhere to have landing at. I’m dying within. Slowly, these monsters eat my soul, my flesh, and my all.

I long wanted to wake up, believing all was just a dream, an illusion, a nightmare. But I could feel the numbing pain triggered by a slap from my own palm. I am awake, these are not imaginary. I am alive. And no, I can’t take this. All I wanted is to be freed from the bondage of my internal struggles. Missing pieces for all I know are just scattered out there to complete the puzzle of my life. But I am blinded by those inconsistent idiosyncrasies inherent within me, buried deep down my being. I never know of any way to escape from these realities that encroach my normalcy. None ever.

Life inside a box is no surprise. Far beyond what human eyes could see, exists an independent reality that only few can reach, only selected few. Far beyond what mortal mind could perceive lies a blissful living hereafter. But right in front of me is a glass reflecting an unknown being, cut off from his being, torn between life and death — the most misunderstood among the fools. And no single magical word could even break the curse or whatever it may be, that runs along my veins with its objectionable viscosity that soon will clog and leave me down on my grave. Obnoxious. Exasperating.

Vicissitude is all I’m dreaming of. I never wished that I was not born. Though I suffer, I only wanted a change of fortune. And that is how shallow I am. Being thrown at the nadir of existence, a single drop of light, of hope, seems everything to me. Since time immemorial, I have left my physical body into astray, with my soul going nowhere, starring as the vagabond. The keystone to end my quest seems gone for forever. And it’s going to be suicidal finding it! Many believe I am promising and yet I can’t see any reason why they do. All I know is that I’m tired of being here. I straddle between things I love to do and those I must do. It’s hard to drive other people’s vessel. It’s hard to carry the burden not meant for you, maybe inherited or acquired.

After all, I am not clear to you as I am unclear to myself. This is just an expression of loneliness, desperation, and guilt to get rid of unnecessary emotions. I did not intend to could your day. The internal turmoil that haunts me is just one of my nuts to crack. It’s already a bit late into the night for my mother's liking. I just retire from reality and now I’m coming back. All were just exaggerations of one fact: I can do better if I will. I can move on if I will. I am just a stationary escalator at this moment!

(Sorry dear friend happy nuts.... wud keep in mind what u said the next time around... had to post this one too...hehe.. :) )

I realised.................

No one knows I’m in pain. If only I have wealth, Vicodin would have taken care of this mess.

Sometimes, we see the worst version of ourselves. It’s unbecoming. It’s unacceptable, at least against your own standards, self-imposed.

I have learned lately that being emotional is being self-centered. We always make ourselves the most pitiful, leading role character in the story. A small problem might mean heavier than the world’s.

That was what happened to me exactly. Very erratic, heart-breaking. Sometimes, we expect the world will go our way, but most of the times it will not.

The world is full of cyclamates and saccharine. Sweeteners, but artificial. Once we thought they really are good, but we were just enticed.

You cant Bring ME down!!!

I dunno where, but i came across an interesting article somewhere where they were pressing on the need to be thankful to everyone around us.. because each and everyone has played a small part in moulding us into what we are today... it made me think, and maybe they were right..
Thanks to those who hate me, you made me a stronger person.
Thanks to those who love me, you made my heart bigger. Thanks to those who envied me, you made my self-esteem grow.
Thanks to those who cared, you made me feel important.
Thanks to those who worried, you let me know that some of you actually care.
Thanks to those who left, you showed me that not everything lasts.
Thanks to those who stayed, you showed me the meaning of true friendship.
Thanks to those who entered my life, you made me who I am today.

A little message to those sad people who cannot see that beauty is skin deep and shines from within... its all the insecurities that u have inside that make u hate or become jealous and envy other people Never take for granted what God has bestowed upon u and never hate someone else for what god has gifted them with... There will always be someone thats is more blessed than u; just learn to admire that beauty and dont hate on it just beacuse it wasnt given to u... what u guys cant see is that everyone is beautiful in their own way... some may be more so externally than others but that does not make them better than anyone else... never bring urself down by hating cos jealousy is one of the deadly sins, but if still this has made no sense to u whatsoever then u can hate as much as u like because people like u do not phase me.. i am way too better than that and will never bring myself down to ur standards.... PEACE

Walking on this lonely road................

Walking on this lonely road, with home still so far from my sight. Alone on this fruitless excursion, all is wrong that once seemed right. I don’t want to feel defeated again,Neither do I want to say goodbye.I want to reach my home,But i'm too tired to walk; I want to fly. Take me away from here,Take me anywhere you want.I’ll run away from this place,till the memories no longer haunt. Time is slipping away from me,watching me as I gather my pieces.

You chose this path for both of us, and I thought you’ll be walking too.Now you say that you can’t walk with me, or is it that you never wanted to? I have seen the mighty fall on this path,anf thefallen are right back on track.One thing that I will never see, is you taking your words back.My body is covered with the ashes, Of the desires that you’ve burned. Is this my moment of yet another loss ,or is it just another lesson to be learned.? Days are so hard to pass,So I thought to walk alone at night.I thought I’ll save myself from the sun, but here I am now, burnt by the moonlight.This place around,it looks so familiar,I’ve been to this deserted town.The hand that I thought belonged to my saviour was the one pushing me down. U can put me on blame for all the things,cause I’m happy to do that for you. All the failures along the path,the words cant really put them on display.Somehow I have reached your place,maybe you can open the door and blow me away.You’ve built your castle of bliss on the graveyard of my dreams. Leave some space to bury me there,in the loving memory of my screams.....

To those who loved, yet...!!!

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart. If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love her/him, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different. If you fall in love with another, and she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time. Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them. The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away. Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. Don't deny love just only you don't want to be hurt... IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, IT WILL COME AGAIN

An easy world???

A culture of instant gratification, instant gains and rewards is making the world go round. We r so used to getting what want, we expect life to hand everything on a silver platter, gift-wrapped at that!! A voice in the head keeps clamouring that the world is urs for the taking. But, this over-blown self-absorption and delusion of self-worth has no connection with reality. After all u r certain of eventual success and believe u must be a very important person, but by virtue of what??? Not only does the tendency to take things for granted hinder your growth up the ladder but you end up not even achieving what you want.

Sorry to burst the bubble in which you may be living, but no matter what u think u deserve, u will not get it merely by expecting it to be handed out to u. Everyone has to pay thier dues at the altar of hard work; efficiency and perseverence before they can even hope to attain success. so drop the notion that you have a 'right' to be given everything and check whether achievements are commensurate with your extraordinary sense of entitlement. its time to step up to the plate and prove ur worth instead of feeling entitled to it because of your aptitude, qualifications or piggybacking on some other prerogative. Please endeavour to lose ur sense of entitlement.At the end of this, u might just be wondering why i wrote this piece..right?? well to be frank its what i find around me..and i hope u agree this is what u find around u too..and dont ask me who and who..cause i may jus spell out your name first, or maybe your friend's name..or even the names of the distinguished faculties in our reputed college... Give it a thought guys...!!!

No worries guys... HAKUNAMATATA!!!

Err.. actually I’m not sure if I’m qualified enough to post a blog on this topic.. but then again I thought.. this is my blog..and maybe I can just type down something…afterall everyone around me is worried about something or the other…right??? Worries and problems are a part and parcel of life. We can even say that they are an intrinsic (yeah lemme add that’s my view ok?) part of life. They give us the necessary push to get on with our being. Between I’m kinda intrigued by the word life.. it seems too big a word...but as it is…no alternatives to be used here..so bear with me guys… A life without problems is like an apple without seeds; it may seem desirable at first but just as there will be no more apples(ok or any other fruit u like.. I like this one) without the seeds, there will be no more life without hurdles. A little anxiety in the right dosage can go a long way in achieving success. But, some people tend to go overboard in the matter of worrying(Note: no references…hehe).. They spend sleepless days and nights with a knot at the pit of their stomachs, forgetting at times to eat, sleep or even breathe and most often its ‘Much Ado About Nothing’. And at the end of it all, they mess up whatever they are doing. Worry or anxiety is useful up to a certain extend. But beyond that, it can keep u back and impose restrictions on u. It was exactly this kind of exorbitant fear that, in the epic ‘Mahabharata’ kept Yudhishtira back from engaging in battle wih the Kauravas in the beginning….(ahem..i hope I got my facts right on this one.!!!) It was only after he got the necessary encouragement from Krishna that he gathered his wits about him. But we don’t all have Krishnas around us to guide us and encourage us.(or do we??..u’ll say friends..i should agree..but watch the key word… I meant most of us don’t..hmmm) and that’s y, most of us falter and let success elude us merely because of over-anxiety. Most people either let fear engulf them and shrink from their responsibilities or they get tensed up that the job get badly done and ends up a failure. But worrying does not help in any way other than giving one the name of a coward or maybe getting labeled as big failure in this competitive world. There were many great men who although overcome by morbid fear, learnt to overcome them and eventually emerged in all their true brilliance(mmm..there must be right??). We have to overcome our fears, to excel in life. The only way to do this is to act courageous even if we r not, put up a brave face and get on with the act. After all, one can live life only once. So y not live it to the fullest?? As the saying goes, ‘To err is Human, To forgive, Divine’. We’ll have to say ‘I’m uncomfortable among gods!’ So anxiety and tension should not make us uncomfortable but instead they should be faced as a part of life. So, I’ll just conclude with a question-- Today is the tomorrow and we worried about yesterday…was it worth it???...............